By Marci Narum
Kris Magstadt beams with joy and pride when asked about her grandchildren, 12-year-old Kaiden and 11-year old Michaela.
“They are amazing children. They’ve come through a lot,” Kris explains. “Kaiden is … very intelligent …a solid student. He’s in advanced math and loves science. He sings, he’s in CDCC (Central Dakota Children’s Choir); he found his voice a couple years ago and sings all the time around the house. Kaiden is a very happy kid.
“Michaela is very creative but also very good at math and science. She’s my one with the messy room and very independent. Michaela’s a runner, so next year she’ll be able to go into track and cross country. She’s built that way, a tiny little petite thing with long legs.” Kris says if things had gone the way she and her husband, Kevin, had planned, they would be launching their golden years and heading into retirement to do grandma and grandpa duty with Kaiden and Michaela – spoiling and “sugaring them up” before sending them back to Mom and Dad. Instead, they are raising them.
The children’s father is Eric – Kris and Kevin’s son. Kris says Eric has struggled with alcohol addiction off and on, and their mother, Kaylee, abused drugs before, during, and after her pregnancies.
“Eric called and said they were going to separate,” Kris shares, “and I said, ‘you bring the kids home.’ Kaylee left one night for Arizona without saying goodbye. She’s been gone ever since and hasn’t seen the kids much or been in their lives.” Since 2013, Kaiden and Michaela have lived with Kris and Kevin. “They’re kind of the light of our lives. We live a lot of our life for them,” Kris says. In fact, after having guardianship for 10 years, Kris and Kevin adopted Kaiden and Michaela two years ago. “We asked them before they were adopted if that’s what they wanted. They both said, ‘Absolutely!’ “That day was amazing,” Kris recalls. “It was May 10th , 2022. We had everything all planned out.
The kids had special clothes, and we had gifts for them throughout the day. We had shirts made for them that read, ‘Get out of my way it’s Adoption Day!’ The shirts had their name on the back, and Team Magstadt on the sleeve. That first year, we celebrated every month on the 10th of the month.
“They call me ‘Mom,’ and they call Kevin ‘Papa.’ Michaela has always called me Momma; she’s been with me all her life. When I go pick up Michaela at school and sign her out, I get to write that I’m her mother, and I like that, because I am; I have been for most of their lives. So, to finally be called that, to have that right is pretty special.
Kris and Kevin’s story is not unusual. In fact, they are part of an epidemic of family members providing full-time care for a child who is not their own. While the reasons range from mental health and neglect to a parent’s death or military deployment, addiction is most prevalent. “The experts say the biggest part is because of drug issues,” Kris says. According to Generations United – a national organization whose mission is to improve the lives of children, youth, and other adults through intergenerational programs, policies, and strategies – eight million children live in households headed by grandparents or other relatives. In North Dakota, an estimated 10,000 children live with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and neighbors – according to Kinship ND, a federal program providing support to caregivers. “So, it’s not just grandparents, although we’re the majority. It’s aunts and uncles. There’s a lot of aunts and uncles that do this,” Kris adds.
While both organizations provide resources to grandfamilies, Kris says North Dakota is lacking the direct, personal support that can be found in a group setting where caregivers can talk with other families in similar situations. “When you do this, you lose friends. Not because of any ill will or anything that they do. It’s
because they’re in a different period in their lives. They’re where we expected to be,” Kris explains.
Kris says social media and podcasts have been a source of connection and comfort for her. “I’ve learned so much from … other grandparents. Even on Facebook there are groups for grandparents raising grandkids and grandparents adopting grandkids. So, you can go into those groups and talk about something that’s happening in your life with bio parents or whatever, and there’s always people supporting you … they too have felt that way or been through that. They share what you need to do to find a lawyer to do guardianship or adoption. She says one of the most difficult things for her and Kevin is not having the support of the family they had when they were raising their own children. “At our age, our parents are gone, some of our siblings are gone or have aged, and so we don’t have aunts and uncles, grandmas, and grandpas. It’s hard, we don’t have that support group where we did have that with our first two children.” Kris is now on a mission to pay it forward, to help families in North Dakota navigate all the twists and turns of caring for children who aren’t their own. She envisions a peer group that would meet and talk about the challenges and the triumphs of grandfamilies. “I think it would be resources,” Kris explains. “Things like how to adopt, what’s the difference between guardianship and custody, or how do you find a lawyer, what do you have to ask, what does it all involve.
PAYING IT FORWARD
Kris and Kevin are paying it forward in another way.
“We talked about adopting a child and we never did; and now I find out that God knew what we would be dealing with. “And I’m paying it forward now because my grandparents raised me. “Back in 1959 it was not the same as it is today,” Kris says. “It was a deep dark family secret. Most people sent their daughters off to ‘Aunt MaryJane’s … and they came back with a flat stomach; and it was never talked about again. My grandparents didn’t do that, they kept me … they raised me. I was the most blessed child in the world. They were amazing people. I admired them for what they did, what they went through. I can understand some of their struggles now, and I wish I had them to talk to. I keep thinking if I could just talk to them about a few things, it would be great. I was very, very fortunate.
“It really is a special gift to me to be able to pay it forward like this. As unfortunate as it is that
Kaiden and Michaela are not with their biological parents and that didn’t work, I’m very thankful
for them.”
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